The Misadventures of Sesshomaru
by B055 d0n B4rBi3
Summary: [reposted] When you think Sesshomaru, you think PERFECTION right? And with perfection is a perfect life. Right? Well, YOU'RE WRONG! Watch as we follow Sesshomaru escape rape and all.And to see just how perfect his life really is. RR PLZ
1. Morning

Disclaimer: I don't own Sesshomaru. And trim spa. And Slim Fast. Nuthin but

the isea of the story

The Misadventures Of Sesshomaru

Chapter One: Morning

" COCK-A-FRICKEN-DOODLE-DOOOOOO!!!" screeched the rooster that for some odd reason,

kept itself perched on top off the Mansion which our most beloved emotionless Inu

Youkai lived in. Ah yes. The morning. Something many people and youkai and everything

else with a soul hates. That also includes said beloved emotionless Inu youkai.

Sesshomaru.

Sesshomaru woke up slowly and drowsidly (is that a word? Oh well)and sat in a

sitting position on top of his twin King sized bed. Oh what a sight he was. His hair,

which was ALWAYS well-kept and tamed no matter what, looked like it went through a

hurricane hell. It was frizzy, tousled (sp?) and looked like a drooping afro of white.

He wasn't as drop dead gorgeous either. His eyes, that just stared unfocused at the

opposite wall, where narrowed more than usual. Just barely opened.He had dark circles

and small little bags under his eyes. His mouth was parted slightly and just under his

bottom lip, came a long line of dried drool. (who knew he drooled?)

So there he was. Sitting motionless on his bed. Looking a mess. He was in a daze

kinda. He started to glare at the wall as he remembered what happened last night.

Flashback 

Sesshomaru was invited to a party. He actually went just because he wanted to relieve

some stress. So during the party, the usual occured. He was surround by a crowd of horny women.

He was going to ignore them all lke he usually did. Until One of them jumped on him. clinging

on. Sesshomaru looked a bit surprised. No one would ever risk there life to do that. He was about

to speak when all of a sudden, the women roughly kissed him. Sesshomaru could smell (and taste) the

Vodka on/in her. Yeah, she was drunk. So he tried to get her off but she held firmly to his head,

continuosly trying to deepen the kiss. So Sesshomaru walked backwards (he's about to tip over) but

the rest of the women had pounced onto him. He was under about 65 women. And some of them weren't

using Slim fast, or Trim Spa. So with all the weight that knocked into him, he was short of breath.

And that damn woman still hadn't stopped kissing him. So Sesshomaru was kocked unconcious.

"We got him down Girls!!" said a tubby brunette. The girls happily cheered at there accomplishement.

Until the brunette noticed something. She sucked her teeth and rolled her eyes.

"Ugh!! LISA!!! We GOT him DOWN!! Stop sucking his FACE!!" But the one named Lisa flipped the brunette

off and continued making out with the unconcious youkai. So the girls started to kick Lisa off. When they did,

they started to drag him off into a bus that was hidden in a dark alley way. Later on at night, Sesshomaru

woke up and took in gasps of air. He noticed where ever he was, it was dark. He just wanted to go home. So

he tried to get up, to soon realise, he was strapped down onto, a BED!!! He looked down at himself to see that

he was stripped down to his boxers. (if ladies wanna know,they're blue with little white puppies)

'This is getting weird.' Thought Sesshomaru. He was trying to rip the thick chains that held him down.

But soon stopped when he felt, people surrounding him. With his canine eyes, he looked into the darkness, to see

the whole bed was surrounded by black figures. He was strating to panick (without showing it). Especially

when something crawled onto the same bed. He squinted his eyes a bit only to see, a sight that made him want

to guage out his own eyes. If not Jakens. There on the bed, was a pale, blubbery, THING, wearing extremely tight

dominatrix costume. It had a small leather mask on it's face, and....a long leather whip. This, scared the hell out

of him. Then, the blob spoke.

"Lord Sesshomaru!! I am the leader of the club, WE ARE THE ONLY TRUE SESSHOMARU LOVERS CLUB. Or W.A.T.O.T.S.LC.

I am Kamille. And now that we have you, we will take you to a place men can only, imagine about."

Now, Sesshomaru wouldn't have been AS afraid about the fact that he was about to be raped by random women, if the one

named, Kamille, hadn't had that, deep male voice.

"So. Let me get this straight. You are an, anonymous orginization that worships me. And so you all knocked me

unconcious and kidnapped me, so that you could all, rape the item that you worship with your lives. Correct?" He asked

calmly.(how does he do it?) Kamille huskly answered yes, while rubbing circles on his bare chest. Sesshomaru sighed.

"......and how much are there of you?"

"This club is international. You have global worship. But, right here, only 65." replied Kamille.

" 65 women." Sesshomaru thought. " Absolutly repulsive." With that, he yanked off the chains and tossed the obese

manly woman onto the floor. He then made a run to the window and crashed right through it, while gracefully landing on

his feet. He then hovered away so fast, while happily hearing the shrieks of dissapointment. And a very bass

"NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!"

From Kamille. Sesshomaru thougth he had gotten away. What he didn't know was that they drugged him in his sleep.

At Sesshomaru's Mansion

Sesshomaru had found out that he was drugged, because even later in the night, he started to get an odd feeling.

When he felt the silk of his sheets tough his bare skin, he got goosebumps. He suddenly started to feel a bit cold. So when he

rubbed his hands on his arms t get warmer, the goosebumps only came out more. suddenly he started to get really, horny.( Very rare!!!)

He couldn't sleep at all without having a, very passionate dream. So most of the night, he kept his body parts away from each other,

and he stayed up thinking about good, pure thoughts.

"Just what the hell did they drug me with?" he said aloud. Jaken came by his room later on by Sesshomaru's demand. Jaken

called a late night doctor. Later after the testings (which involed a lot of touching.) the doctor came up with a conclusion.

"What is wrong with me? Why am I having sexual dreams and feelings." asked Sesshomaru emotionlessly (a word?). The doctor

packed her things up in her suit case and closed her eyes.

"Nothing is wrong with you Mister. Sesshomaru. That mob just fed you Viagra and, Horny Goat pills. It will all pass by morning.

I garuntee. Goodnight now." Then she left by following Jaken out.

" Horny Goat Pills." then he went to sleep

End Flashback 

" Damn mobs." he muttered as he soon got up to start his day.

Tbc

So? was it good? Please I need to know. I need reviews!!!! Lemme know what you think. Ideas are good!!


	2. Morning Cont

Hey hey hey! It's that girl Tashie! For my for wonderful reviewers, thank you for you words. I;m so sorry it took me years to get back to you. The old computer died and we've been waaaay too cheap to buy another one. So I'm sneaking on my brothers laptop and risking my life for you people! My 4 WONDERFUL fans! This is for you!

Disclaimer: I don't own Sesshomaru or Jaken, however that doesn't mean I can't determine their life!

ENJOY!

The Misadventures of Sesshomaru

Chapter 2: Work

Sesshomaru had finally decided to get up off his groggy ass and staggered his way into his private bathroom. However, he didn't reach his destination without getting hurt. As soon as his two feet touched the ground, Sesshomaru happened to step on a thumb tack. He screamed bloody murder, grasping his foot and hopping around on one foot mumbling profanities of which would make a sailor die of shock. Hopping around like a maniac on his one foot, he failed to see his pants on the floor from when he threw it off himself. Getting caught in one of the legs, Sesshomaru tripped and had a face-plant into the wall right next to his bathroom door. Dropping his foot, he attended his now profusely bleeding nose. Forgetting about his foot injury, Sesshomaru unconsciously stepped on his pierced foot, causing the tack to go in deeper. Holding in his 'manly' scream, Sesshomaru fell onto his back and slowly crawled his way into the bathroom.

Inside his Bathroom

Sesshomaru sat on his black polished marble toilet and placed his injured foot atop his knee and examined the tack, while sniffling.  
"What the hell was this doing on my carpet!" he yelled. Slowly, he pulled it out and placed it on the marble sink next to him. Remembering his nose injury, Sesshomaru stood up and walked, with a limp, in front of his mirror to examine the damage.

"Nothing too bad.." he muttered to himself as he widened his nostrils to see if the bleeding stopped. Just dried blood. He turned on his water and washed his face. Sesshomaru then looked at his reflection with an, odd look. He peered closer into the mirror to see if his eyes looked different. Suddenly his face contorted into a disgruntled expression. His stomach churned and bubbled.

"Oh…my…," he moaned. "I think those…pills are, wearing-" cutting himself off, he flew towards the toilet, opened it and immediately sat down and screamed in pain.  
Outside from Sessh's room

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! DDDDDDDDAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMNN! GNNNGH! UGHHH! Ohhhhhh…AHHHHHHHHHH! FUUUUCK ! GNNNNNNGH!"

Those where the sounds that caused the entire morning staff of the mansion to freeze from their work. Laundry women dropped clean clothes, the cooks stopped cooking, causing a minor fire, and garden workers stopped flowering, cutting hedges and mowing. All staff inside and out looked with worry, and disgust, towards the direction where they heard the noises coming from.

"Oh my," mumbled Jaken as he made way to the kitchen in a scurry. " I best get my great great great Granny Frogsworth secret Tea recipe out for this certain problem."

Back in the Bathroom

Beads of sweat poured down Sesshomarus' body as he gripped the toilet paper roll and clawed his fingers into the marble sink for dear life. His fangs bared and his body shook.  
"G-g-g-g-g..GET…..OUT!" he screamed. 'It's like I'm constipated,…but with a severe case of diarrhea !' he thought. His toes were stretched apart and his legs twitched! He couldn't handle this. He had to push harder. His eyes shot wide open and veins became visible. Eyes, blood red in color and tearful. He felt the need to transform. He was about to until he heard a soft knock.

"W…..WHAAAAAAAAAT!" Sesshomaru boomed.  
Jaken had jumped back a bit from fear. Never had he heard his master raise his voice.

"M-m-master? Lord, Sesshomaru? Are you alright in there?" Jaken stuttered.

"….D-does …it SOUND like…I'm ALRIGHT!"

"N-no of course not M'lord, how stupid of me to ask such a ridiculous question-"

"Damn SKIPPY!…LEAAVE!"

"Yes M'lord-"

"Not YOU, Idiot!…This,…PERSISTANT TURD!"

Not expecting that, Jaken let out a snicker . Then he just let it all out. Jaken had exploded into laughter, tears of joy streaming his green face.

"IT'S NOT FUNNY!" Sesshomaru yelled, but knowing Sesshomaru wouldn't be coming out soon, Jaken didn't stop laughing. In fact, He laughed even harder. Walking to his masters' bedside drawer, he placed the tea down and headed for the door with a contented grin. As he opened the door, Jaken looked back and with a devilish grin he yelled,

"Your meeting is in 10 minutes, I suggest you finish up in there. AND FOR ALL OUR SAKES, PUT THE AIR ON, SPRAY A CAN, PUT THE SEAT DOWN AND FLUSH 3 TIMES MASTER CONSTIPATION!" Jaken made his hysterical exit.

Inside, Sesshomaru was seething in anger, however was skillfully masked with his pained look. He took a glance at his clock and….yep, he'd be about a half hour late minimum.

"JAAAAAKEEENNNNN! I'LL KILLL YOUUUUU!" He exploded. The fact that Jaken was making fun of him?..NOT cool. It actually made him feel…hurt, and vulnerable.

"..D-d-damn,….horny…goat pills! GNnGHH! JAKEN! GET YOUR GRANNY'S TEA!"

TBC! So? Was this one funny? Or so-so? Or horrible? Throw me a bone! NOT LITERALLY! Yea, again, I apologize for taking…years,…to write chapter 2. I had know computer and the library has time limits. Plus its down a hill! I am NOT walking up and down a hill daily…so yea…reviews baby! 


	3. To Work I Go!

Oh-Emm-Gee!! It's 2007 and I am JUST starting to write chapter THREE from a tale I started back in '04!!! That's terrible, especially for muh dudes and dudettes that have this story on alert, I'm SOOO sorry, I have a severe case of Procrastinators. BUT! I SHALL FINISH THIS TALE!!….or at least finish chappie 3.

So, here it is. **OHH Chea**!! Shout outs to my last reviewer!!

_**Iolanthe's Song**_: Thanks!!! I know, its just, FUN to make someone perfect have a crappy life!!! lol. And can I use that word? Comeuppance?

**Disclaimer**: it's a shame I don't own Inuyasha, or any other products I may mention in this twisted tale of mine.

_**The Misadventures of Sesshomaru**_

_CHAPTER THREE: To Work I Go_

Sesshomaru, dressed in a black with red pinstriped Armani suit, black collar shirt, a red silk tie and shiny black dress shoes came running down his tall red carpeted grand stairway holding a black leather briefcase. He mumbled things about how crappy his life was at times and how late he was. With all his thinking, he barely paid attention to how fast he really was going and what was in his way, until it happened. Sesshomaru had tripped (tripped on a randomly placed cat) and rolled down the stairs. He kept rolling, and rolling and rolling, grunting with every hit of stair he bounced off from.

Sesshomaru came to a stop when he crashed into a petit black haired bob-cut woman who was pretty adorable looking. He screamed in pain, and anger. The woman, a maid, stood up gasping with her hands, one of them holding an empty mug, over her mouth. Sesshomaru just rolled from side to side on his back grasping his burned with hot coffee area while his other hand laid dead holding his briefcase. His eyes were closed tight, yet tear drops still came out

" Oh my Golly Gee Willikers from Mars and Space beyond two and infinity A FAR!!" she screamed. She crouched down to Sesshomaru, ripped off her apron and started to blot his area

"LORD, SesSHOmaru! Are You oKAY?! I CAN'T beLIEve I JUST sPIlled hot COffee on your BABY making STICK!!!" she screamed. Sesshomaru bit his bottom lip and grunted with every emphasis she said in her sentences. Not because he was horny, but because it hurt like HELL!!

This maid was weird. Whenever she screamed, or emphasized pieces in her sentences, her right eye would always cross inward. Also, when she was doing something while emphasizing, she for some reason did the something harder than normal. So as she blotted as gently as she could, Sesshomaru was really being punched.

"Ohh Lord Jesus,…" he whimpered, "Get the freak AWAY, oh my God!" he breathily whimpered as he kicked her off and rolled on his stomach grasping his area still. Assuming he was okay, the maid grinned with her jaw sticking out, and walked back to Sesshomaru. He tried crawling away with one hand.

"OHH NO YOU don't!!" the maid said with a sudden man giant voice as he began to advance her boss. Her fingers stretched apart and a crazed look in her suddenly rotating right eye.

Sesshomaru looked at her with a helpless, wide-eyed look as he shook his head no and crawled back using one arm.

"W-what do you WANT from me!!! WHY!!!???" He yelled. This Just made the maid laugh like a horse, then she threw her head back and neighed loudly.

' WHY the hell is their NEVER anyone around to save ME when I need it!' he cursed in thought.

"DAMN it. Lidia why the HELL didn't you tell me you were crazy at the Interview? You LIED to me, you seemed NORMAL!!!"

"Me AM normal behby (baby). As NORmal as ever." She said in that Man-Giant voice again.

"LIAR!!" Sesshomaru screamed as he threw his briefcase at Lidia's face. Lidia just caught it in her mouth then sharply swung her head, throwing the briefcase by the door. She then threw her head back and howled again in that Man-Giant voice and looked at Sesshomaru, her right eye rotating this time.

Sesshomaru tried to crawl away again, this time using his arm with the briefcase to pull his body. But Lidia shook her head and neighed like a horse. Suddenly, Sesshomaru's eyes widened as he saw Lidia getting ready to Jump. Lidia, still neighing nodding her head from side to side, jumped as high as she could. Sesshomaru came to his senses and rolled out the way just as Lidia landed so hard, causing the mansion to shake a little. Lidia just laid their in her small crater, twitching slightly. Sesshomaru just looked at her with disgust as he made his way to the door. He nodded his head and dusted his suit off, picked up his briefcase shaking off the drool and got ready to turn the handle bars of his house door-

WHEN SUDDENLY HE WAS SMASHED INTO IT BY SOME UNKNOWN SUMO WRESTLER!!

"OH my NOSE!!!" He screamed as he clutched his bloody nose for the Second time that morning. "Gah DAMN it!!" he angrily looked back to see , "THE HELL LIDIA!!!" he screamed. Lidia just smiled widely, he nose flared, and her eyes closed as she hugged Sesshomaru from the back.

"I Heart you Master." She said in that Man-Giant Voice.

"Nnn, I hate you too, get OFF me.." he angrily mumbled as he wiped off his blood onto Lidia's clothes while at the same time trying to push her off.

"Oh, Naughty Boy.." Lidia suddenly said in a sultry feminine voice. "You make me HOT Master." Lidia harshly whispered in his ear. Then She licked inside his ear. Causing her to elbowed in the face. She stumbled back grasping her face.

"EWWW!!! The HELL are you DOING! Sick wench!! I don't want you're nasty spit non my briefcase, the HELL makes you think I want it on ME!?!" He yelled ass he picked up the apron from before and roughly wiped his ear dry.

"MASTER WE HAVE CHEMISTRY THOUGH!!" She yelled trying to get to him. Sesshomaru backed up hopping on one foot trying to take off his Armani shoes.

"You stay the HELL away from me, you twisted…" he warned.

"MASTER, LETS MAKE SWEET HONEY DEW SUGARED ICED TEA MIXED KOOL-AID CAKED LOVE!!" She said, her right eye rotating non-stop as she speed-walked her way over to Sesshomaru with her arms wide apart.

"STOP SCREAMING IT'S SO CREEPY!!!" He yelled. GOD that rolling EYE!! He then threw his shoe at her, making her fall. When she wasn't moving, Sesshomaru cautiously walked up to her. He Kicked her as if punting a football but, she didn't move.

"Oh Thank GOD she's dead."

Then he thought for a second..

"DEFINANTLY dispose the body." He agreed. He picked her up bridal style and decided to hover up his mountain of stairs.

"Man..all of this could have easily been eluded, had I not forgotten that I could hover." he said to himself. As soon as he reached the top, Lidia woke up and looked enchanted up at Sesshomaru,.

"Oh gees." he muttered.

"OH! Lord SesSHOmaru. Are we FINALLY going to make sweet honey dew sugared iced tea mixed Kool-Aid caked love?" She asked hopefully, not noting he turned left, instead of going straight where his room was.

"Uhh, yea, whatever, sugar ice kool cake whatever the hell you want to call it." Again with the EYE!!

"I KNEW You'd feel it tooOOOOOOOOOOOoooo!!!" she screamed as he threw her out the window, from the third mansion story window. Into the Rottweilers "Play Pit".

As Sesshomaru leaned out on the window and watched her get teared to pieces by his beloved Rottweilers, all 17 of them, a smile graced his soft lips.

"Oh, LIDIA, I COMPLETELY FORGOT TO TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED TO THE OTHER CRAZY HIRED HELP FEMALES. THEY WERE CRAZY JUST LIKE YOU, AND THAT'S UNACCEPTABLE!! So….YOU'RE FIRED. GOOD DAY!" he happily said. As he made his way back down the stairs. He stopped for a second and waited.

"KYYYYYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Then silence.

Sesshomaru nodded happily and made his way down the stairs. Only to be attacked by the cat he stepped on. He screamed and struggled to get this crazy feline off his face. Which caused him to fall don the stairs again.

"AAAAAAHHHH, ASSHOLE!!!" he screamed as he almost reached the bottom.

**TBC**. I did it! CHAPTER THREE!! Was it funny? Funnier the last? (I hope) Tell me, PLEASE review, and I promise I'll continue THIS year!!! I swear!!! Tell you're e friends, I'd like to know if other people find it funny. Loves you!!!- JAVI's WIFEY!!- (That's ME!!!) lol


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